When the Choices Aren’t Yours

I have three people right now who are struggling and who are close to me, at the level of irreplaceable-family closeness.

One is dealing with significant physical health issues. One is dealing with significant mental health issues. One is dealing with a combination of the two.

They’re all wonderful people. They are all adults. They all get to make their own choices. And, I feel the consequences of those choices, which are not mine.

While, of course, supporting the people I cherish, this how I respond to the feelings in this situation:

1. Self-care

Feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, not-good-enough-to-fix-it or, for that matter, any feeling or immediate thoughts are involuntary. Responding to them with self compassion and increased self-care helps me to prevent them festering. I acknowledge and feel the feelings and let them pass. And, I do the same thing when any of them are triggered again in the future. 

2. Thinking

I get very clear on what actions I can take. By being fully clear on the real boundaries and fully clear on how I can actually help (which worrying does not do), I am better prepared for future situations, and I find the meandering path of any particular emotional experience tends towards more peace and ease. (If I was not seeing that change, especially over time, I think that's where other tools or professional help would be indicated.)

3. Repeat

Because it is part of loving and cherishing life-experiences with others so much that we will be in this place again…many, many times. And it is a wonderful thing that we get to be with those we care about in both the tough times and the easy times.

This is my "first aid" for dealing with the resultant feelings in this situation. Andrew and I both loved a recent book we read which focuses on first aid for emotional hurts and it made me ponder what first aid I do for myself in this situation.

I love to do thinking of this kind in nature...

...this is the neighborhood pond near our apartment.

Self-care in Times of Uncertainty

Today we signed the closing documents to sell our home for the last seven years. On the flight to get a few days of rest with friends and family, I wrote this blog post.

Here’s a quick list of events with lots of uncertain outcomes recently:
-Selling a house (six month process with offers falling through and paying double housing expenses)
-insurance battle for full coverage of hail damage (took months to get about 60k not 6k)
-leaking new roof
-several surprise medical challenges that required thoughtful responses 
-helping our 2e son navigate applying for a first job and getting a first apartment 

There has been a lot up in the air and it’s easy for the what-if’s to eradicate any peace.

This is what I’ve done and, while I can’t claim zero loss of sleep nor zero anxiety, this has brought me much more tranquility through the process.

1. Self care every day (a lot)
2. Capturing next actions to a trusted system 
3. Acknowledging the emotions with compassion. Letting them be felt and shared. And, letting them go. 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat…

Everyone has their own favorites, these are the self care practices I’ve been using:
-walks
-tapping
-meditation 
-baths
-tea/cocoa favorites
-nature/sun sparkles 
-gratitude practices 
-singing
By nurturing myself, I both cherish the process and have the reserves to cope.

To have any hope of a tranquil mind during such times, I need to know everything I need to do is “captured” in a way that I can see it when I need to. That means I don’t need to keep thinking about it. I can respond to any reminder-thoughts by knowing that concern is already safely in my system or I can put it in my system if the thought is new. David Allen knows what he’s talking about when he says this fosters the peace and calm of a “mind like water”. 

I personally like to do step 3 while doing self care. It feels so much better to talk about the anxiety after the latest insurance hoopla while walking in a park and talking with a friend. It feels so much better to allow the disappointment of rescinded house-offer pass through while reveling in a lavender Epsom salts bath. And when my dear child does something that makes his future prospects less bright, tapping and gratitude practices are so powerful for helping me with the sadness.

So, that’s my one, two, three. And, in this beautiful life there are many times of uncertainty 🥰