Self-talk: Cultivating a Kindness Habit

I've been thinking about self-talk recently and how much my self-talk has changed. This is a sharing of my gathered thoughts more than a refined presentation, but I hope it has some gems that others will find useful.

Big Picture:

- Humans talk to themselves a lot and thus all the research on habits and neuroplasticity applies.  How we talk to ourselves most often (habitually) will continue by default and we can change that with the tools of habit change.

- Improving self-talk is not about ignoring reality; it is about a kindness approach to oneself. (Does the self-talk language pass the test of how you would speak to a loved one?)

- As with all things human, the body matters. Poor sleep and poor nutrition will make it harder to think clearly and feel good... neurotransmitters work a certain way. It will be harder to speak to oneself with kindness if feeling terrible.

- As with all things human, philosophy matters. Self talk and emotions respond to what a person has consciously or subconsciously accepted about the world and what they should do in it. People will feel and tell themselves that they are bad if they are not living up to their accepted principles.

Personal history:

The last one was my biggest problem in the past.  I deeply believed to be good was to follow all the religious laws of Judaism. So, every time I missed one, I felt awful. The self talk of "not good enough" was constant.  While that unfair standard resolved, I definitely didn't have a habit of kind self talk.  

In practice:

So, cultivating a habit of kindness with self-talk starts with making sure there's nothing big picture in the way and, after that, I think is mostly developed by self care and gratitude practices. But, it can be hard to notice opportunities so I've gathered some examples. As with any habit, kind self-talk becomes easier and more automatic with practice.

Opportunities for negative or positive self talk with some potential responses:

- Having an emotion / random thought that is unpleasant. 

"I'm such a grouch!" 

"Ya, I'm feeling cranky / anxious. What can I do to care for myself as I figure out what's next?"

"That was a mean thing to think." 

"Wacky thought. Good thing I get to choose my actions!"

Since the emotion/thought is involuntary, it's really unfair to self-criticize but habits take awhile to change.

- Having a physical trait / temperament trait that isn't desired (looking in the mirror or experiencing something as hard that is easy for others) 

"My skin is so ugly!"

"Good morning beautiful me... looking a bit dry. Let's enjoy a rose hydrosol!"

"I'm just a wimp."

"Being assertive is a skill I work on intentionally. I get to choose."

We all get our own Aristotelian slate that we're born with and anyone who has been around kids knows it's not fully blank. It's just reality and we get so many lovely choices after that point.

- Making a mistake where it's clearly an accident

"Clumsy! Stubbed your toe again!"

"Ouch! Sorry self, didn't mean to do that!"

I noticed myself doing this apologizing-to-self thing recently and had a bit of a giggle. Of course my toe isn't a separate being, but it felt like self care... and I did put on extra fuzzy socks.

-Making a mistake where we feel like we should have known better

"Idiot! You Should have known better!"

"Yep, I goofed that. That feels rotten. I need to deal with the feelings and the consequences. What am I going to do next for self-care and for learning to avoid the same mistake."

This one is so powerful. It seems like most mistakes we can blame on ourselves if we try. The positive side of that is that most mistakes are ones we can respond to with both compassion and a growth mindset.

And, one side note, I think there is a need to allow ourselves silence sometimes to hear better.  When I get really into an audio book series or start subscribing to too many podcasts, I notice that I don't have the down time to process with self-talk... and then only the loudest yells get through.  Only this month, research was published that pink noise interferes with REM sleep which is essential for emotional regulation... I wonder  about giving our awake minds enough quiet time too.  My favorite spots for quiet are nature and baths!

So, like I said, this is more gathering of thoughts. I hope they help with developing the habit of kind self talk.  Having experienced both sides... I definitely prefer the self kindness.

Gratitude Practice

 A friend asked me recently for hints on how to establish a gratitude practice and I was startled to find that she was thinking of only writing.  So, here are some quick thoughts on creating a gratitude habit.

• Connecting any sensation to gratitude counts (touch, taste, vision and smell are my favorites)

• Fostering appreciation counts (one cannot express authentic appreciation without feeling gratitude)

• Experiencing the feeling of gratitude grows easier with practice, like a muscle that gets stronger

• Verbalizing and writing are great too and let you concretize with language what you're grateful for

• Customize a gratitude practice for yourself, everyone is individual on what feels both easy and good

Here are some quick examples, all of which are things I do regularly:

- Touch a tree trunk and feel gratitude for the beauty of nature

- Greet the sun with a smile each morning and let it warm the closed eyelids (it makes a lovely, red glow if they get warm)

- Purr at the feel of flannel sheets

- Close my eyes to relish the taste of cacao

- Snuggle pets

- Write "three good things" emails to my best friend each day

- Make a note in a "fun journal" about a top fun thing for the day (I got one of those 5 year journals and I'm trying this for the first time.)

- Write or verbalize notes of appreciation for other's actions 

- Relish a qi gong movement or a breath practice that feels so good

- Send a daily meme to my college kid and feel that moment of love

- Cherish the wonders of a hobby that I love (for me it's barbershop singing, but it could be gardening or a sport...)

- Notice beautiful things in one's soundings with joy (recently my winter amaryllis have been blooming, but I also notice regular things like cherished art on my walls)

- Recite favorite poems that thrill (I have less than a half dozen that are memorized, but I love every one of them)

- Visit with favorite literary characters (Isn't it wonderful that there are characters like Anne of Green Gables and Atticus Finch in this world?)

- Inhale favorite scents (rose/chamomille hydrosols, lavender/spruce essential oil added to baths, and the smells of foods/drinks like cinnamon toast and rooibos tea are some current favorites of mine)

- Enjoy clinical tapping... definitely a full body smile for me

And, for establishing new habits, I haven't found any guidance more useful than that of James Clear in his book "Atomic Habits".

(Lots of gratitude visiting Mt. Falcon this weekend)

Chosen Responses: Getting Bad News

I've just received this news from my doctor and it's on my mind. So, this morning, I've been pondering the things I do when faced with bad news that is not an emergency.

"Severe Osteoporosis" diagnosis (And, side note, yay for self advocacy to get a baseline DEXA scan, or I wouldn't know)

(Even bad news that is an emergency rapidly turns into news that needs a response other than 911 or run or fight.) 

So, what do I do.

The first thing I do is allow emotions and thoughts to flow.  Original thoughts tend to be more catastrophic and less helpful but the brain dump of all the scared "do this, this, this" and "but what if, this" is important.   Un-acknowledged thoughts yell louder and stall everything here.  The same is true for emotions. I let the feelings of fear, defensiveness, anger, worry flow through with acknowledgment. I feel them in my body and...

I do that first step with self compassion.  Whatever scary thoughts or feelings are present, experiencing this aspect of life with self kindness allows me to feel safe and nurtured through the process. 

In this case, some thoughts were:

- WHAT?!? WHY?!?! HOW?!?!

- But those drugs cause blood clots! I'd rather have a broken bone than a stroke. I'D RATHER HAVE NEITHER!

- Those drugs use needles! Lots of needles! I already deal with lots of needles for migraines!

- This is terrible!

And, with each scary thought:

- heart racing

- faster breathing

- chest ache

- skin flushing with heat

- eyes prickling with tears

 And, throughout this process:

- Allowing it all and responding with thoughts and actions of kindness

- Sometimes I actually talk to myself with that tone of compassion and safety, "I hear you" or "I feel that"

- Sometimes I'll do self care actions with the goal of nurturing, not suppressing the process

- Most often, I just breathe and feel that self compassion through the waves. I can talk to myself or do self care actions and I do. But, the most powerful piece for me is intentionally approaching the process with that self-compassion lens for myself. I feel that throughout my body and mind. I know I've got my own back. I am safe and loved.

Finally, I thoughtfully choose next actions from a place of more calm as I continue on with this wonderful life. 

And, I expect that this process is not a single phase; I approach every wave with the same kindness.

What a full October! Here are some clips from this month's updates!

 10/3/25

Hello everyone,

Some warm fuzzies and lots of good things:

Shared with my chorus about the musical and got so many supportive, kind replies. Here’s to growing and supportive friends!

https://ichabodthemusical.com/

I'm so proud of you! Way cool! Oh my goodness-this is so exciting! Congratulations and enjoy every second! Way to go Rachel I am thrilled for you, Rachel, have a blast! That sounds like fun! You will be amazing way to go Rachel! that’s so cool! Very cool! You’ll be great! So excited for you!! You will be a star in this  You already are a star in SkylineCarry that positive energy with you and you will SHINE Fantastic Rachel! I grew up very close to Sleepy Hollow. Some great spooky memories. How exciting! Have a great adventure! Have a great time exploring another side of yourself! WTG, Rachel!!!! I think this is great, Rachel!

I have a friend who is in this production! She's been posting good things about it! Good for you!!! I love this! That's awesome!!!   Good for you, Rachel!! Proud of you!

• 
  

Andrew got this amazing review ❤️

posted 09/30/2025 Andrew was absolutely amazing! We had our wedding ceremony on one day and the reception the next, and he was able to accommodate us for the split days. He was such a joy to work with, and as a scattered bride he kept me on track with remembering what kind of photos we wanted and kept me focused. Our ceremony was out in the mountains, and he picked burrs from my mother's dress and just generally went way above and beyond. I absolutely love both our portraits and the in the moment photos. It's so special to have photos of our loved ones smiling and having a good time! His eye for finding the perfect lighting and spots is truly special for a photographer to have. I've already received several compliments that our photos are some of the best people have ever seen. He really captured us as a couple despite my terrible explanations. During our much bigger reception, I was amazed to see how many photos he had from all over the venue and of so many of our guests. It's like he has special radar to know when a perfect photo moment is happening and would appear there. His assistant at our ceremony was also amazing! Both were kind, professional, and took photos we will cherish forever. Thank you so much, Andrew! - Chelsea and Ryan

Here’s to lots of good things,

Rachel

10/11/25

Hello everyone,

What a packed week! I’m going chronologically.

Glorious time with my bestest bud in Connecticut including visiting the park where Andrew and I got married and lots of exploring our old college haunts and so many games and chats:

We were both around 18 starting college, so I think it’s about thirty years that we’ve been besties

Quiet chat with Andrew’s dad and a delightful evening with his parents.  Mellow morning and a cozy walk with his mom.  Got to pick some of his grandmothers costume jewelry to bring home… lovely connection. 

Yay for Andrew! Review from one of his students:

Oh my gawd! Andrew is the kind of manager and mentor I've BEEN looking for ever since I started my journey. Honestly, I think if I knew him sooner, I would have avoided some of the mistakes—well, not mistakes, but I think I would have been on a clearer path as a software engineer. His patience is a godsend; his understanding and empathy make him a great communicator, listener, educator; and he’s also incredibly knowledgable about being a software engineer, and writing beautifully clean code. It’s so funny—and I don’t mean to be too dramatic—but my experiences thus far as a software engineer in the finance space has definitely left me a bit jaded to the idea of finding a manager who cares about individual growth and development. I wasn’t giving up hope just yet, though, because I really did and still do believe there are engineers who care about individuals as well as care about doing good, interesting work. I mean that’s why formation stood out to me lol. And as someone who has never fit the mold or demographic of the finances spaces I’ve occupied in my career, meeting someone like Andrew who was not only as empathetic as a friend but as a professional, it was such a breath of fresh air to feel seen, understood, and very supported. Even though I’ve been here for just a week, Andrew Miner has stood out as the kind of mentor I hoped to find in a program like Formation.Dev. Thoughtful, engaged, and genuinely invested in our growth, he embodies the qualities I admire in what I have often imagined to be a great manager—and quite frankly he’s very inspiring. Inspiring in the sense that he’s tangible proof that people like him exist in this industry, and that kind of presence reminds me that the mentors and leaders I’ve been hoping to find—ones that lead with integrity and care—are very much still out there.

Yay for my mom:

Day before 22nd birthday, Cameron giving the puppers love and enjoying the brownie bowl (multiple cups of honey milk were enjoyed too)… lots of favorites

 

Birthday morning presents (and a feast of bacon, biscuits, berry smoothies, and brownies)

And an evening of so many games… he crushed me at Hollywood Gin twice and learned how to play Casino

  

I brought him back to college today and I’m catching up.

Here’s to joyful times,

Rachel

10/18/25

Hello everyone,

Sharing loveliness from the week:

“Ichabod” rehearsals twice a week now and moving to daily next week… intensifying toward the home-stretch. (10/31 was canceled, so three performances: https://ichabodthemusical.com/)

Loving fall colors above where I park each day… just looking up into the tree during my 10min morning/afternoon breaks

Chinchillas getting much more snuggly (glad to hang out for half hour now instead of a couple minutes)

Glowing annual review with the 5% raise, max I think for the company 

Loved by students today… kept needing to split my hours as one or another of them needed me (usually we stick with one student for a full hour)

For those who happen to have a few minutes this is an impressive overview of some options of inner work modalities.

(I have never purchased one of this lady’s programs, but I have enjoyed her free content roughly once every month or two for about a decade and I have never found her content inaccurate in relation to the research about cognitive science and behavior change. I can’t say that about many experts. Highly recommend these ten minutes if inner work is of interest.)

Time stamp 1:30min - 12:40min

Lovely chorus singing and connecting for the Komen walk this morning

Hugs,

Rachel

10/24/25

Hello everyone,

Happy birthday to me :)

Quick good things:

Ichabod rehearsals continue and they have up a cast page https://ichabodthemusical.com/cast-crew

Coordinated a chinchilla and snake visit to work which was greatly appreciated by kiddos

So many things down at work for the Amazon Web Services outage but we got through it

So many birthday songs today including from my upper elementary literature students

Sonnet from my boy:

My mother is very hardworking.

Her days consist of determined effort.

Toward tasks she hasn't dreamed of shirking.

And people she would never desert.

She does this in the name of principle.

A considered code of commendable conduct.

With a dedication that is truly unequivocal.

That no obstacle may obstruct.

A dedication that is far from untested.

Many challenges have come before her.

Yet none have left her bested.

In completing the tasks she must incur.

Determined principled acts define this gal

In spite of the challenges to her rationale.

I started my day with opening presents!

Here’s to lovely, special days,

Rachel

P.S. More love from my work:

Happy Birthday, Rachel!

Happy Birthday, Rachel! I hope that your day is full of delicious chocolates, laughter, and family! I hope that you have a birthday that is as full of magic and joy as you bring to this learning center every day. We are all so grateful to work with you! - G

Have a truly happy day, Rachel! -L

Happy birthday to the person who makes us all feel special on OUR birthdays– now it’s your turn!! Rachel, it’s difficult to imagine this place without your sparkle. The way you celebrate and honor the uniqueness of each person who walks through these doors, is such a gift. I hope your day is stuffed full of chocolate, animal cuddles, and all the warm fuzzies you deserve! - L

Happy birthday, Rachel! You take such good care of the students – and everyone else! Thank you for being a welcoming, cheerful presence. I hope you have a great day! - G

Happy Birthday Rachel! Thank you for everything you do for the kids, and for us! I hope you have an amazing and hopefully relaxing day!- I

Happy Birthday Rachel! Thank you for all your mentoring and making everyone happy here! D

Happy birthday, Rachel!! I hope you have a birthday just as awesome as you are! :) 

Happy Birthday Rachel!!!  You are such a ray of sunshine to have around the learning center.  You bring so much fun and positivity everywhere you go and I am glad I get to work with and learn from you. - A

Happy Birthday, Rachel! You are such a wonderful presence in the center. I am so glad I have been able to know and work with you for almost 7 years now! I hope you have a wonderful birthday with sweets and lots of relaxing fun. -E

P.P.S. Cameron is thoroughly enjoying his auditing class and shared an essay he wrote about a scandal that changed the field.  He’s considering continuing for a Master’s degree and will be meeting with the advisor next week to discuss options.

11/1/25

Hello everyone,

Tired and successful with so much thoughtful self-care during this intense week of: work, musical-participation, sleep… repeated all week with almost zero downtime.

Tracker had a tough week. He had a tiny seizure at the groomer's which is apparently common with older dogs and indicates that they can’t tolerate the dryer any more. It took a few days and some GI distress, but he seems like he’s back to old dog comfiness:

One rehearsal photo from me and a few of Andrew’s amazing photos of the first performance 

  

Great new Renaissance class online and Andrew is loving it too. We’re doing it as a date each Sunday morning:

Wow, October 28th memories over ten years… video conferences used to be a surprising thing (one way for me to get education when Cameron was seven years old):

     

Here’s to joyful living,

Rachel

P.S. Some sweet notes from that work review:

Rachel is a thorough, thoughtful, productive, and professional Principal Consultant for the Denver Learning Center. Her strong work ethic and drive to learn and succeed serve her well in her daily role. 

Despite now having additional center-wide responsibilities on her plate as a Principal Consultant (some assigned and others identified independently), Rachel's time management skills, her honed ability to prioritize, and refined efficiency within other areas of
her role allows her to consistently produce thoughtful and strong work.

Rachel is an excellent team player and has fallen into the duties and responsibilities of the Principal Consultant role naturally. Her expertise with behavior management and program pacing is respected and recognized across our whole team.

Precious Days

 I have this quote next to my desk and today was a perfect match:

It was a typical Thursday at work with joys and challenges.

In the morning:

    - I helped a parent see how their child had grown.

    - I jumped in with a student refusing to work and helped him show off his skills for a visitor.

    - I took a morning break and enjoyed resting/meditating on the mattress in my car while seeing the sun dapple through the leaves above.

    - I started preparing for three new students coming after the weekend.

I walked home for lunch and enjoyed some extra cocoa. I connected with our cleaner-friend and gave her a supportive ear... her friend has "failed" chemo and is getting worse. I walked back to work listening to some mantras with exercise music.

In the afternoon:

    - I did a student celebration as planned even though she arrived very late (short on time) and we showed her mom five minutes of the growth. This sweet girl didn't want to let her mom take the celebration certificate home; she wanted to hold it close.

    - I made more progress preparing for those three new students.

    - I supported many new hires and adjusted the Star Service Fanatic challenge for spreading office joy.

In the evening:

    - I had leftovers and took a call from a friend who wanted more of my time. But, he hadn't honored the original agreement... ah, boundary setting.

    - I processed email and wrote this blog post and noted some of the warm fuzzies that I received today.

    - I got in pjs and did chores while listening to this bit of a free webinar (I don't agree with all her health advice but I love her free content focused on self-care.)

What a lovely pearl slipping off the string 💖

Love from Skyline

I received the Open Arms Award this weekend which is one of four special, annual awards given by the chorus. It was such a lovely moment and then members kept giving me hugs and congratulations throughout the weekend.  I'm feeling so loved!

And it reminded me to note this other instance of Skyline love from a couple years ago when I felt so touched.

I received this note from my chorus director regarding the Joy award:

The Joy award is given from me to the singer in Skyline who exhibits Joy, and shares Joy.  

This year's recipient manifests joy all the time.  She leads from the risers, and always has a joyful smile and greeting.  She sings with joy and seeks harmony while always looking for the good in others.  Her positive and gentle spirit wraps the chorus in love.  She is keenly observant of the many often unseen contributions that make our Skyline village successful, and is quick to express sincere gratitude for these efforts.  This years award goes to Rachel Miner.

Vickie M

International Speaker, Coach, & Author

Master Director 700, Skyline Chorus

Sweet Adelines International Board of Directors

Judge Specialist, Expression Category

Certified Expression Judge

Certified International Faculty

Now these warm fuzzies hang out next to each other ready to bring me a smile each morning 💖

Typical Update... it's been awhile since I've put one on the blog :)

 7/26/25

Hello everyone,

Good things:

Humming bird visit

Chinchillas still cute

Looks like Cameron will be able to get back into his old single (bath-capable, which he loves) and take a single class to improve his auditing skills (while continuing to do the CPA test review courses and search for a job)

I had a good tele-health visit with my functional medicine doc… sounds like the current answer is that we’ve done all the due diligence and not much else to do for digging at root migraine causes at the moment

Andrew has had an intense weekend with four photo-shoots! Very satisfying and fun… one of them was even from horseback!

I had a little party here for my work friends and we had lots of fun for two hours putting together a puzzle and visiting with all the animals

Andrew got me a surprise and I couldn’t figure out the hints but had fun trying!

Andrew Miner:
I have a present for you

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Hints!!!!

Andrew Miner:
You can't touch it, but it can touch you

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Is it words of some sort?

Andrew Miner:
No speaking involved

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Writing? Size?

Andrew Miner:
There's no writing it's about a meter and a half tall

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Does it go on a wall? Colors?

Andrew Miner:
It does not go to wall
Colors are variable

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Is there rainbow light projection involved?

Andrew Miner:
No projections at all
It hangs from the ceiling

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Ooo, prism? But 1.5metets?!?

Andrew Miner:
Not a prism

Mrs. Rachel Miner:
Do I get it when you get home?

Andrew Miner:
Yes, and I'll be home in about two minutes.

And the answer was….

He traded photography for a massage for me. (The massage therapist is 1.5 meters tall and it’s one of those where she has bars on the ceiling that she holds on to which I’ve never experienced.) 

I’m thrilled!

Massagearvadamassageandstretch.com

Here’s to fun surprises,

Rachel