One more thought on publishing that article...

As I was working with that potential co-author for the article "Parenting for Independence, we tried our hand at writing a blog post for The Objective Standard first.  The idea was that we wanted to focus on the tool of "Engaging a Child’s Cooperation by Appealing to Self Interest" or "Motivating Children by Self Interest: Parenting Tool Box".  We hadn't picked an official title, but we thought this was a a good start. We also considered it as a potential series and perhaps something that would help us work toward making a full length article for publication in the journal.  We didn't get to something super snazzy, but this is how far we did get and I'm putting it here with her permission because it may be of some use.  I did most of the writing after the diagram phase and she hasn't tweaked it in ages, so please consider all the faults mine and we can share the positives.  In any case, I hope you find it fun to employ the tool of appealing to children's current values as a way to achieve a win win in some tricky situations.

IntroParents make many seemingly reasonable requests, such as “clean your room,” and “do your homework.” We find it obvious that cleaning helps a person enjoy his property and studying is essential to mastering subjects.  But, children often prefer making messes and goofing off!  Why don’t explanations that make so much sense to parents work? Are parents and children bound to win-lose conflicts until the children grow up? There is a way to often side step that confrontational approach; parents can help a child to discover the short-term, concrete benefits that will appeal to his rational self-interest. In essence, they can ask themselves what is one benefit of this activity that my child might love right now or one he is capable of imagining happening soon?

Cleaning
While it sounds good to have children happily cleaning because they see a benefit they want right now, what benefit could possibly be so exciting for cleaning their rooms?  Finding lost toys can be powerful!  Finding Pocahontas behind the bookshelf after she was lost for two months can be an extraordinary experience for little ones.  Even if a child isn’t missing something (or aware of missing it), finding it easy to locate items quickly when you want to grab them is fun.  No kid likes searching for the fifth Yahtzee die when friends or family are waiting, or missing out on an impromptu baseball game because he can’t find his glove in time.  It’s also nice to have a space ready for coloring or lego castles or other new projects without needing to clean up first.  These are things that children can notice and thus they’re cleaning because of a benefit they want, that they see as in their best interest now.  

Studying
Arithmetic over video games?  Spelling over lego wars?  How could a parent ever appeal to a child’s immediate self interest when it comes to homework?  Since we’re not talking about distant goals like getting into college and getting a good job, how can we expect a young kid to do homework because he sees the benefit now. Parents can help a child imagine the near-term benefits of a homework assignment. For example, calculation skills offer more independence with managing money to get a desired toy. Vocabulary opens up a wider range of fascinating books to explore. History is filled with exciting stories of what people have done and what has or hasn't worked from which children can find inspiration and explore dilemmas like whether to appease or to take a stand against a bully.  Parents can also use their own creativity to make make a challenging topic more immediately fun.  For example, if a child doesn’t understand negative numbers, a parent can make a game to move the child’s body along an imaginary number line: plus two, minus six, plus negative three, minus negative five (and of course it’s cool to switch off too so the child can direct Mom or Dad).  Spelling words can be incorporated into goofy paragraphs and typing practice into software games.   

Conclusion
While no tool works in every situation, it is easier to avoid parent-child conflict when parents focus on benefits that children find engaging now.  Their cooperation is then motivated by their own self interest. With practice, tasks seen as chores (cleaning a room or studying for an exam) can become enjoyable as children recognize the immediate benefits. Over the years, the longer-term benefits become more and more evident too, but with a few less battles along the way.

Parenting For Independence

During the summer of 2012, I noticed that I had all sorts of wonderful resources for specific parenting skills.  I had great books for engaging cooperation, communicating effectively, and understanding both sensory and temperament issues.  But, I didn't have a resource that covered all my pillars of parenting.  There was nothing out there that I could point to and say, "That's it! That's the big picture for me."  So, I thought, wouldn't it be great to write a scholarly article and get it published so that I'd have that reference and hopefully share something useful.  Thus, I wrote the editor of The Objective Standard with my idea, and then the requested outline, and then my first draft.  When he first read the draft, he said it sounded like a blog post.  In hindsight, I wish I would have just listened to him!  But, he gave me all sorts of fascinating guidance and intriguing suggestions for ways to make it into an article attractive to his journal.  We had multiple calls and and discussions and I was determined to keep tweaking and trying.  When I felt like I had maxed out my skills, I tried recruiting a co-author with better writing skills to help.  

So, I spent about two and half years trying to make this into more than it is.  It is a blog post with some references and it fulfills my purpose.  It states what I find most important to me in guiding my parenting. 

I know implementing principles involves tons of individual judgement and I deeply appreciate that every kid is unique and parents know their kids best.    These are the principles that I find most fundamentally valuable, the ones that I notice most when I mess up and find most powerful when I nail them.  I hope they are useful to you.  Please do leave a comment and let me know.

Foundational Elements of Parenting for Independence

Rachel Miner

The challenges of parenting—especially parenting well—become pressing as soon as a mother gives birth. There is a new life, a child, who urgently needs parental care to survive. Children are dependent. They are born utterly incapable of surviving even a few days without parenting, but their dependent status changes.  Newborns rapidly become toddlers who are filled with a desire to be independent. That desire only intensifies as they grow to adulthood.  Parents can nurture or hinder this process. They can raise children to think for themselves or they can dampen that independent drive and nurture dependence on peers or authority.  Parenting for independence involves four key elements: granting children freedom consistent with their given stage of development; helping children learn to reflect on their efforts and successes; teaching children to recognize and effectively engage their personal temperaments; and fostering good communication skills, primarily by modeling them in one's own life.

Environment of Freedom

Of course parents cannot control the whole world, but they do have vast control over the environment of their children.   For example, parents don't choose the weather, but they choose their response.  If there are freezing temperatures, they fully clothe their infants, but what about a toddler who demands his swimsuit or a teenager who spent his whole allowance on a single pair of designer jeans instead of including a new coat?   It is often easier to fully dress the toddler or buy the teenager's clothes, however, children need immense amounts of practice to become independent.  Independence is not just turning a child loose to do his own thing, children need guidance—they need to learn the vast array of skills necessary to become independent adults.  It is a parent's responsibility to ensure that learning opportunities are both safe and developmentally appropriate.  Toddlers can safely choose clothing color, style, and accessories (including extra clothing like that swimsuit), but not to ignore dangerous temperatures.  The school age child can try going out into a snowy front yard in a swim suit, warmth isn't far away.  The teenager can find out that designer jeans don't look quite so nice when wearing an older coat to keep warm.  Parents are constantly making choices about what choices to offer.  Only by practicing independent actions though, within this developmentally appropriate framework, can a child learn to do for themselves.  For each stage of development, children need an environment in which they are free to do for themselves whatever they are capable of safely doing for themselves; this is essential to developing both the physical and cognitive skills required for independence. 

Assuming that a parent wants to offer the best environment to foster such growth, how can a parent create the kind of environment that nurtures independence?  In the infant through preschool years, children focus on  mastering the skills of using their bodies to effectively move, speak, and manipulate objects.  They are self-motivated and enthusiastic learners.  Maria Montessori, as both an educator and researcher, wrote extensively on the powerful results of modifying the environment to allow children to learn through exploring a rich, safe classroom. For example, shelves in such a classroom are easily accessible and stocked with inviting, age-appropriate materials.  Children learn from attempting to put the wrong shape in a puzzle or from spilling a bit when trying to pour water; reality shows them what doesn't work.  Modifying the environment does not mean purchasing separately packaged drinks to avoid the pouring task; it is key that children are offered every developmentally appropriate opportunity to learn.  There are numerous books applying her methods to the home environment as well. 

As children grow beyond the preschool years, parents have the ever changing job of modifying the child's responsibilities to best nurture growth.  The first time a kindergartner folds his clothes, the shirt pile will likely bulge and lean. Even the twentieth time he gets ready for bed, he will probably need a reminder to brush his teeth.  Just so, a ten year old's challenge with completing chores or a teenager's efforts driving and caring for a car are going to present choices to parents regarding the level of their involvement.  The parenting process requires both teaching skills and gradually removing supports thus nurturing more independent actions.  This process is made easier by acknowledging that it is almost always more work to help a child learn to do for himself than it is to do for him. Anything a child can safely and developmentally-appropriately do for himself offers a learning opportunity for the child, and parenting for independence focuses parenting actions on offering a wealth of such opportunities.  

Parents As Mirrors

Children need to learn to reflect on their accomplishments to help them see their progress toward full independence. It is difficult for a child to notice his own growth; he needs help.  He needs someone to point out examples that he does not see on his own.  If children do not think they are efficacious, their motivation for further effort will be sapped because they will not give themselves credit for growth.  For example, if a child does not notice improvement in his math skills, he may feel that the next unit is a useless effort.  The parents can provide detailed, descriptive observations of real growth that children have accomplished, but often don't notice.  This factual evidence is not evaluative (i.e., it is reality based, not the parent's opinion).  In their book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish recommend describing what you see and feel instead of generic praise like "good job".  This allows a child to reflect on the reality of what they've accomplished, not an evaluation of its worth.

"One wonders how such a simple process can have such a profound effect.  And yet, day after day from our small descriptions our children learn what their strengths are: A child finds out that he can take a confusing mess of a room and turn it into a neat orderly room; that he can make a gift that's useful and gives pleasure; that he can hold the attention of an audience; that he can write a poem that's moving; that he is capable of being punctual, of exercising will power, of showing initiative, resourcefulness.   All of that goes into his emotional bank and it can't be taken away.  You can take away "good boy" by calling him "bad boy" the next day... These moments, when his best was affirmed, become life-long touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement.  In the past he did something he was proud of.  He has it within him to do it again."1

Verbal descriptions are one way to offer children evidence regarding growth and progress, but pictures can be even more powerful.  For example, suppose a child is having difficulty with a manual skill like tying shoe laces.  Composing a series of photos of him tackling manual skills with greater and greater success from infancy to the present can provide a powerful support for him to draw his own conclusions about his ability to succeed.  Children form their conclusions about themselves based on their evaluation of their experiences, but it is easy for them to fail to recall progress.  Parents can provide a mirror that helps the child reflect.  With this assistance, the conclusions children form can provide them with powerful, core convictions that make them emotionally stable as adults.  For example, the author provided her son with a cork board covered in pictures with the title: "moving with control".  The pictures included him as an infant unable to hold up his head, crawling, writing wobbly lines, constructing puzzles, frosting a cake, and delicately holding a butterfly.  After reflecting on the pictures of himself, he concluded: "I'm a person who: wants to learn new things, gets better at doing stuff with practice, can be safe with fragile things, can be pretty careful, works hard to learn AND wins at learning new things."  Other topics could be more narrow, documenting a specific skill like hiking or gymnastics, or more broad such as "figuring things out".  The power of this method is that the conclusion is formed by the child based on facts he evaluates first hand.  These conclusions are not susceptible to others' approval.  If the goal is a child that thinks for himself, evaluates reality, and makes his own choices without being dependent on others, providing him with visual and verbal evidence of his growth is a powerful tool toward that end.  Children who have both the opportunity to take independent actions and are nurtured in noticing their progress are primed to approach life independently.

Temperament As a Given

While Aristotle describes the infant as a blank slate, that does not negate the fact that all people are born with different temperaments.  Some babies respond to every touch, noise, or sound with a wail while others are curious or blasé in the same situation.  Thus, while the slate may be blank (i.e., devoid of data) there are still different slates; at birth all children have different temperaments.  A child who has been nurtured to develop independence benefits even more from parenting that helps him see that his temperament cannot be changed.  The child who is naturally persistent can learn the skill of taking mental breaks to refocus, but cannot willfully change that persistent nature.  The child who is naturally sensitive to physical stimuli can learn to bring headphones to block noise, but cannot choose to change that sensitive nature.  Parents hinder independence if they encourage a child to fight against a given temperament; for example, by telling the persistent child not be stubborn.  Parents help their children grow effectively by helping them recognize the nature of their temperament, and then teaching them skills for both dealing with related difficulties and tapping into related capacities.

Since temperament traits are not chosen, and thus not volitional, nothing about them is inherently good or bad.  A child's temperament simply is and must be taken as the given starting point.  (While temperament can change as children grow, they do not pick temperament traits; it’s the slate they are working with.)  As Mary Sheedy Kurcinka states in her book, Raising Your Spirited Child: 

"You don't get to choose your child's temperament, nor does your child, but you do make a big difference.  It is you who helps your child understand his temperament, emphasizes his strengths, provides him with the guidance he needs to express himself appropriately, and gently nudges him forward... By adapting your parenting techniques to fit his temperament and his style, and teaching him the skills he needs, you help him to live cooperatively with others and to be all that he can be.  To deny him his energy, his need for preparation before shifts, or any of his other temperamental traits is telling him 'don't be'- don't be who you are."2

Parents can best help their children in this area not by attempting to change an intense, persistent, or sensitive child, but by helping him acquire the skills necessary to harness his natural strengths.

Communication as Foundational  

Finally, the method of communication between parent and child is itself a pivotal aspect of parenting for independence. Good communication skills allow parents to effectively communicate as they establish an environment of freedom, mirror a child's successes, and discuss temperament.  They are also foundational for the child. Children need to learn good communication skills to function well as independent adults.  Because children learn these skills mostly from their parents, their parents need to model such skills as a matter of course.  

Good communication skills, like any skill, take a significant amount of practice and effort, but there are two guiding techniques that are useful at this broad level: active listening and observing comments.

Active listening is the foundational communication skill.  Active listening is the act of focusing attention on understanding another.  Does the child see his parents listening to each other and actively trying to understand what is being said?  Does the child experience intense listening?  When he's telling a story, are his parents respectfully focusing eyes, torso, and mind on understanding him?  It is a skill to actively listen without interruptions, seeking only clarification and understanding.  Children cannot learn this skill without seeing it modeled and without lots of practice on their own.  If a child cannot listen attentively, both his ability to gain knowledge and to interact with others effectively is hampered and, therefore, so is his ability to achieve independence.  A child who cannot listen to instruction will not become an adult who can hear his customers' or manager's or friends’ needs.  Active listening is required to gain accurate knowledge from others.

Communicating observations as factual comments allows children to focus on reality and form their own next actions.  For example, saying "I see the ice cream on the counter," is an observation, not an evaluation or an accusation like an irate: "You left the ice cream on the counter!"  Both forms of communicating will likely get the ice cream back to the freezer, but the former will help the child focus on reality and, ultimately, gain self discipline. This also applies to communicating feelings as personal facts, not accusations.  For example: "I'm feeling frustrated!" versus "You frustrate me!".  Commonly referred to as "I vs you" language, this skill focuses communication on facts.  There is no argument about what a person is feeling.  Parents are going to feel angry, hurt, sad, happy, silly, and all sorts of things related to a child's behavior.  Communicating those emotions factually, and then helping children consider ways to handle whatever contributing factor was theirs, is respectful of their process of gradual independence.  Accusatory language makes it harder to focus on facts and grow in independent self regulation. 

In Learning As We Grow, the authors describe a teaching method which enhances this commenting technique and works equally well in parenting. 

"There are different types of prompts we can give: direct or indirect, verbal or nonverbal.  Unfortunately, what often happens is that we resort to very specific and direct prompts in order to get students to 'keep up’ with the pace of the classroom, and stay on-track with what they need to do.  Anytime we use a direct prompt, however, we are removing the opportunity for thinking because we have directly told them what to do.  This ultimately robs students of opportunities to develop the active listening skills, thinking skills, and problem solving skills that they need to be truly successful... Unlike traditional prompting methods that start with the most support and then fade over time, the strategy here is to start with the least specific prompt and move down the list to more direct prompts as necessary... Utilizing this progression ensures that the student gets significant opportunities to think about things, as opposed to being immediately told what to do.  Over time, we should see that the levels of prompting further down the list are not required because the student is doing more thinking in response to less direct prompts.

[Least to most direct prompts]

• Verbal comment about the situation ('It looks like you're having a problem.')

• Indirect verbal prompt to think about possible solutions / actions ('I wonder what you might do about not having a piece of paper.')

• Verbalize a solution you might use ('If I didn't have a piece of paper, I would ask a friend if I        could borrow one.')

• Provide the student two options to choose between ('Are you going to ask a friend to borrow a piece of paper, or will you be getting one from the tray on my desk?')

• Direct Nonverbal prompt (make sure you have student's attention by moving closer and getting on eye level) (Point to the paper tray on your desk.)

• Direct verbal prompt with nonverbal ('Get a piece of paper.' + point to paper tray)3

Parents can actively nurture independence by communicating in ways which help a child choose his own actions.  Sometimes prompts are not enough and a parent must physically help a toddler go get a piece of paper, but the crucial point is that the child experiences gradually more and more independence.  This is precisely analogous, in communication, to the first goal discussed.  Parents nurture independence, in both communication and action, by gradually offering choices so that a child is free to do what they are safely and developmentally capable of doing alone.

Parents who want to raise an independent child are undertaking a significant challenge.  It is much easier to raise an obedient child, yet as Maria Montessori said, "Discipline must come through liberty... We do not consider an individual disciplined only when he has been rendered as artificially silent as a mute and as immovable as a paralytic.  He is an individual annihilated, not disciplined."4  Freeing children to make their own choices and to learn from those choices is essential to developing an independent orientation toward life.  Such children are capable of innovating and making choices for themselves instead of looking to the authority of parents, peers, or (eventually) a manager or government.  These children can also have the self confidence necessary to learn from mistakes because their parents have helped them see again and again how they have grown from mistakes in the past.  Whatever path the child chooses, he will also have the communication skills necessary to effectively interact with others.  Nurturing a child toward independence is difficult; it is also a profoundly joyous experience as parents see their child delight in the growing abilities which they have helped him discover.

Acknowledgments

The author wishes to acknowledge Andrew Miner and Craig Biddle for their help in editing this paper.  She also acknowledges her son, Cameron Miner, who is both a spirited child and an excellent teacher.

Endnotes

1. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk  

    (New York: HarperCollins, 1980), p.184.

2. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child (New York: HarperCollins, 1991), pp.39-40.

3. Nicole Beurkens, Erin Roon, and Courtney Kowalczyk. Learning As We Grow, (Caledonia: 

    Horizons Developmental Remediation Center, 2009), pp.118-121.

4. Maria Montessori. The Montessori Method, (New York: Schocken Books, 1964), p.86.

Perceptions Log

My spunky kid went away to overnight camp for two weeks!  It's a new one of these special places that could be included in my last post about sparkles.  From the pictures and the few comments he gave, it seems like he had a wonderful time.  Transitioning back home was... bumpy.  He seemed to have lost any interest in being pleasant around others. We couldn't tell if it was just one of those regression zigzags that precede growth or if he actually had forgotten skills.  He almost got kicked out of both chess camp and gymnastics the next week.  He accepted a fellow camper's comment that it was funny to be a troll on an internet forum, and gave it a try himself.  All our previous skills were not working for improving the situation.  We'd have long talks that would seem productive in the moment to all three of us.  Yet, he wasn't remembering them, making us all feel like those hours were wasted.

Finally, we were able to help him unearth two things he had accepted:
being annoying to others is both fun and funny
getting positive attention is harder and full of mistakes

Coupling those discoveries with the new knowledge that long discussions were no longer the awesome tools they had been, we needed to find a new tool to help him.  My brilliant husband came up with the idea of a log and we've refined it into an awesome tool together.  Due to the hyperlexia, my son has always been highly responsive to the written word.  We'd write in the log when our son came across positively and when he came across as annoying.  The positive and negative numbers were measures of how he was coming across to us, data points for him to consider (not evaluations of himself).  There were absolutely no rewards or punishments involved to distract or add anxiety.  He loved it.

He dubbed it his "drama journal" because he got the mostly blank booklet in drama elective at camp.  So... he had a drama journal to record his annoying and pleasant drama throughout the day.  (You couldn't make this stuff up!)  The first day he was going out of his way to do all sorts of helpful things to "make us" write nice things in his book.  Over the last two weeks there have been days where we mostly do our own thing and there are few entries.  There have also been days with no negative entries because he was a pleasant kid to be around... all day!  He was thrilled the first day he accomplished that!  (Of course we're not talking about his feelings, were' talking about the actions he chooses to take.  Feeling cranky, annoyed, angry, or sad at some point, for at least a moment, during each day is normal for everyone.)

At first, he would occasionally try to argue with us about perceptions because he didn't want any negative "points".  We were really clear though that this was just information for him about how he was coming across, intentionally or not.  We also refused to get sucked into a circular discussion in the moment the few times he was upset.  He reads the log to us the next day and we briefly (honestly, really briefly) discuss anything that's still a question, which is rare.  It's been amazing.  He is still going out of his way to be helpful sometimes and is also noticing when something would come across as annoying.

No big surprise, it's not really that fun to be annoying when you love your parents and can succeed with positive attention.  Seeing it in his drama journal has convinced him he can and that it's a lot more fun.  It's been an awesome two weeks for peace in our home.  Tranquility with a kid who finds it fun to be annoying was hard to find... it felt like everything kept getting poisoned.  All our attempts to connect and be close were getting twisted into times of irritation.  So, here's to innovation in parenting.  My general Positive Discipline approach and principles don't change, but there's always a new bend or twist or chasm in the road that I get to figure out.  Here's to reveling in the journey!

We went kayaking as a family today and thoroughly enjoyed each other.  He was thrilled to be dressed all in blue paddle jacket / pants and life vest... posing for a family picture though, not so exciting.

Warm Fuzzies

I'm pro warm fuzzies!  I think most people love the warm fuzzy feeling of receiving heart felt compliments / validations.  But, it's not as common to take the extra time to compliment as it is to complain.  I'm not talking about the big moments.  If you're really impressed, grateful, delighted, it's much easier to think of sharing that strong positive with people who have elicited that response.  The same is true of feeling strongly hurt, misled, or used.

When I say that I'm pro warm fuzzies, I mean that I'm for incorporating them as the normal response to the many smaller times we feel esteem for others.  For years now, I've incorporated the idea of sharing three good things each day with my best bud (a practice mentioned here).  It's on the rough days that it's especially valuable to pick out those positive moments and acknowledge them as important.  It's so much easier to notice the problems, what's not working, and focus on the smaller negatives.  Those things are important too as, of course, ignoring reality isn't good for anyone.  But, I think those small positives are equally important and they often get passed by as something that isn't a squeaky wheel, it just works, not worthy of attention.  I think that's an error in giving more weight to the negatives and missing the joy of the present good.  Again, I'm talking about the small stuff, but that small stuff is most of life and it's worth celebrating.

I recently started a thread on a favorite parenting group about acknowledging the parenting strengths we see in other members.  I spent several hours thinking about the particular awesomeness of the parents (or caregivers) that I had seen nurturing kids.  It was a delightful few hours for me and it spread warm fuzzies for the whole group.  I'm also considering adding to my GTD weekly review a to-do action to check for acknowledgements that I can give (dentist, gardener, librarian, waitress... did someone do something well this week that I could acknowledge and make both their and my world better).  So, this is a short post, but it's a vote for taking the time to focus on warm fuzzies every day.  Whether it's a few minutes over coffee to catch one positive and send an email or a daily three-good-things or something else, focusing on the joy in life makes for greater personal happiness and smooths a consistent flow of warm fuzzies... that's something I find worth practicing! :)

Update #5: Autobiographical (Episodic) Memory

I haven't posted about these success boards for almost four years, but I've been printing the pictures and sharing them with my kiddo in binder format all that time.  Recently, we added some new topics so I figured it was time to revisit :)

These are the past posts (most of them, after the first, are brief):
Starting Idea
Board 1
Board 2
Board 3
Board 4

So, I was getting to the point now, with a ten year old, that the overarching topics weren't as exciting to him to contemplate... things like "moving with control" are more taken for granted in fourth grade (although I was able to add pictures of his new interest in gymnastics).  So, I printed a bunch of the latest pictures and we sat down together.  We brainstormed what the pictures showed and came up with three new topics and what they said about him!


Thinking for myself
I’m a person who:
- makes his own choices
- properly considers what other people think
- is confident in himself

Choosing his own hat (and other pictures, like how he did his own thing on a recent vacation)

Trying something new
I'm a person who:
- is OK with learning new things
- takes my time
- can handle a challenge

Going in a submarine in Hawaii

Learning programming from his dad (and other pictures like learning how to interact with a friend's infant twins and our new guide dog puppy)

Planning ahead
I'm a person who:
- can think about the future
- can wait and plan for something I want 
- can make choices that keep my big picture in mind

Just unwrapping his computer that he saved for years to purchase with his own money (and other pictures like playing chess and creating his new planner.)

So, I'm as in love with this tool as ever.  By just printing the pictures and providing the documentation, my kiddo can see his own growth and come to powerful self evaluations.  I do a little guiding, but not much, the visual facts presented are powerful.  Kids are often so good at seeing their errors and challenges, but this is a tool that lets them visually see progress and celebrate success and internalize positive self-evaluations!  Win! Win! Win!

GTD for Kids: Part II

I first wrote about GTD for Kids about three and half years ago and we've done lots of tinkering in that time!  We've had picture schedules / calendars, simple lists, and lots of little tweaks.  The file box is forgotten, for now, but we've gradually honed a weekly list that includes all my son's various actions and... it's now his to manage!  That's the biggest advance now, he manages his own todo list and tweaks it as he finds necessary.  At ten, he's also quite willing to use computer tools to change it into a format that appeals to him.  I was impressed when he used a mind map tool to change his print list into this:

It's got everything from cleaning his room and showering to school work and various activities with Mom and Dad.  He's been using this for about a month successfully.  He loves that he prints it himself each week and makes his choices each night with the time frame of the full week in mind.

We've got two things that we want to implement soon to give him a more complete, effective system- an inbox and a calendar.  My husband is going to set up a calendar for my son so that I can still keep it on my computer, but it will sync to his computer and he can look at that each week when deciding how to budget time.  It's also something he could print independently if he wanted.  While this has been awesome for organizing time, he's pretty messy when it comes to paper.  So... secondly, we're figuring an inbox is a good first step for paper management (and he could add "empty inbox" to his mind map).  He doesn't like missing pieces of paper, but he's not buying into any kind of file system... yet!

So... this process is intriguing!  We're just gradually helping him develop good habits and tools as he finds a need to get things done :)  Cool!

Positive Discipline Tool Cards

I participate in an online parenting group and I've particularly enjoyed a recent development there.  Each week, one of the members picks and writes about a Positive Discipline Tool Card.  The tools that are covered are all focused on positive ways to help a child develop independence.  Discipline is all about enforcing natural consequences, not punishments; the focus is on guidance over forced compliance.  Anyway, I'm loving this process and looking forward to each week.  I hosted a couple weeks ago and wanted to share what I wrote.  I'm going to start sharing these tool cards with my kiddo too so he can practice these respectful ways of interacting right back :)

Tool Card Monday:

Validate Feelings and Winning Cooperation

I picked these two because I think they're such a game changing skill in parenting. It makes parenting so much more fun for both kid and parent when you use them (and they're great outside of parenting too, of course). As you can see, "Winning Cooperation" starts with "Validating Feelings" so they're nested skills. I think responding to kids' big emotions can be one of the hardest things to cope with as a new parent. Toddlers and early preschoolers especially can be so exasperating when you just want them to see the big picture they're missing, but they're too upset to understand… you're out of bananas, the park is closed, a particular dog hates kids, a tool works a particular way, rat poison isn't for eating… they're just screaming mad and can't hear you and you can feel so stuck as a parent with this distraught, pre-rational creature. Validating Feelings is a life saver skill to foster as one's default, first thing, immediate response when in this situation. It's an awesome basis for getting cooperation and in a much more pleasant manner for all. (I do think step 4 requires some modifying for age since younger kids are going to need help in that working out process, but giving them some time is still helpful.) Moving on to "Winning Cooperation" then from a place where a kid feels heard and you aren't super aggravated is so much easier. You haven't agreed that they get to sample the rat poison or nuzzle noses with the fear-biting dog, but you've given them the chance to be heard and to calm down and, potentially, understand aspects of the situation that they didn't before. Of course they may not the first or tenth time, but that's the growing process. Kids can be so creative once they can hear you and solutions are often much more innovative and pleasant for all. I find using these skills not only fosters that growing independence in kids, it also makes my day to day parenting life so much more rich and happy.

(The whole deck is available on Amazon.)

(The whole deck is available on Amazon.)

Family meeting: Latest Application

So, what's the latest challenge we've tackled with our family meetings?  I'm sure we're the only ones who have ever found a child's attention wandering during teaching!  Ya, so all of you that always keep your children's undivided attention can just skip this post, but for the remainder who have joined me in this challenge, this may be of some interest!

My husband is helping our son with writing and with the more complex math problems that come home.  I'm the helper for everything else.  (My son has learned how to tackle the first round of homework independently, so he only needs me for checking and when he gets stuck.)  So, we're both sitting down to help him with a thinking challenge and finding... 
he's looking at a hang nail
he's toppling off the stool
he's repeating what we say without understanding
he's taking every action to avoid thinking possible.
Naturally, this fills his parents with patience and warm fuzzies as they try to help him learn and spend 3/4 of their time in focus-assistance.

Family Meeting!

My husband and I faced the same challenge, we wanted to help him learn but we didn't want to waste our time.  Our son heard our problem and shared his need to move but also not be distracted.  We both presented the issues as problems for us to fix together without name calling or accusatory tones.  We came up with different ideas for each of us.  I was willing to allow one minute breaks per ten minutes, because that wouldn't take too much of my time. However, my kiddo's work with his dad requires at least a half hour of focus.  So, we came up with our plan.

Before my husband starts teaching, our son will use the bathroom, eat, and make sure that he's ready to focus for 30-40 minutes.
Before my kiddo calls me for help, he'll make sure he's ready to focus.  I'll wait for one minute while he takes a break every ten minutes and he'll take longer breaks after finishing any given task.

Success?

We've been at it for a week and there's a definite improvement.  He's still been known to wander over to a couch or roll off a shelf, but he responds to a quick reminder and we knew this would be a process!  

Our family during a recent family vacation... notice my kiddo's foot sticking out, but there was no way he'd bring his face forward into the light!  Oh well, we pick our battles :)

Family Meetings

There are a huge number of ways to do a family meeting, but the general goal is for each family member to be able to be part of the process of making the family run smoothly.  For a long time, we just discussed issues as a family when they came up and it worked.  My kiddo got the feel of rational conversations to address anything that wasn't working well.  He got used to sharing his ideas and learning to listen to the ideas of the other family members too.  About a year ago, we decided to designate a regular time each week when we'd have a family meeting.  This allowed us to follow up on old business, bring up new issues, and make sure that we were all happy with the way we were interacting.

We start our family meetings with compliments.  Each person gives each of the other family members a compliment.  Not only does this help us focus on the positive, it also helps us recall times during the week when we admired each other.  About six months ago, I was thinking about the growth vs. fixed mentality* and decided to add one more thing to this intro, a mistake.  So, each person also shares a mistake that they've made during the week and what they've learned from that experience.  The goal here is to make mistakes OK and recognize them as part of the learning process.  I want my kiddo especially to see how common it is for grown ups to make mistakes and how the important thing is how we respond to those opportunities.

Once we've all handled sharing our compliments and mistake, we review old business.  That basically involves pulling out the sheet of topics from the last meeting and seeing if the decisions worked or need to be tweaked in any way.  It also includes updates on status if one person was trying to make something happen.  For example, I brought up my kiddo getting a bit better at swimming to reach a level of safety that would serve him well.  We talked about the idea and then the lessons and timing and came up with a plan that made everyone happy.  I went off to do the research.  In the next meeting, I reported back that our best option was not open during the fall, but would reopen in March (check, item placed into my Getting Things Done system and out of the family meeting queue).  If old items include a new plan like a homework routine without nagging, we see if it worked and if everyone is happy or if more tweaks are needed.  These conversations remain very open and focused on solving a shared problem of the family.  My kiddo learned very early on that we don't call names in this family so even lively arguments about best options don't involve insults.

Finally, we open up the floor to any new family business.  Has someone been noticing that it's too loud to get to sleep or the socks never seem to wind up in the laundry bin or there isn't enough computer time?  We talk about whatever a family member is experiencing as a problem and tackle the best next actions we can take to make the situation better.

So... family meetings?  Do you have them?  Do you have any interesting tweaks that you've added like my mistake addition?  I must say that we've had some of the best times sharing mistakes, laughing, and clarifying what we've learned!  In the comments, I'd love to hear what has worked for you!

* The idea here is that a fixed mindset sees intelligence/skill as something fixed i.e. I'm smart/skilled or dumb/clumsy.  In this view, failing at something means that you're dumb or just bad at it so kids don't try.  They want to succeed at get the smart/skilled label.  The growth mindset sees intelligence/skill as something responsive to effort i.e. I'm smart because I worked hard or skilled because I practiced.  In this view, failing is part of the process of getting smarter and more skilled.  It's expected, normal, and shows you're doing something right because you're trying something where you didn't know the answer or skill already.  Of course, talent is a factor, but even a prodigy needs to practice and work hard to learn.  The growth mindset reflects the reality of how people learn.

History Smiles

We've had a double dose of history delights!  First, the Dawes Plan? Where America basically sent money to Germany so Germany could send it to Britain and France so Britain and France could send it back to America... well, my kiddo was listening to me read The Great Brain last night. The Great Brain rigs this plan where the allowance money is going in a circle so that he gets all his money back and doesn't have to do the chores. My kiddo declared that The Great Brain was like Germany and this was the Dawes Plan of Adenville, Utah! How's that for learning from history! Yay for History at Our house! 

Then, we did long division! Oh, what a morning of giggles! He decided to make it more interesting by describing attacks of numbers early on in the division as pyrrhic victories as he continued down the seven digit number!  Enjoy the video and smiles of a kid who really loves to show off his knowledge :)

This is the video description I posted: We've been integrating all my eight year old's math knowledge by having him do everything from fractions with finding a common denominator to exponents (we just started talking in more depth about decimals throughout arithmetic, so that's a newer skill) and then, the goal was proper ordering of the results from lowest to highest (including negative numbers).  Here he chooses to make long division more exciting by turning it into a battle!

Tool Box: Rediscovering Simon Says

A few days ago, my kiddo asked me to play Simon Says.  Now, my kiddo is eight and fairly bright and I figured this wouldn't last long.  Two hours later (and many, many giggles too), we finished up a rousing evening of fun!

We started off with all sorts of different acrobatics like crab walk, army crawl, hops, twirls, sprints, skips, and summersaults.  Then I started adding in obstacles like having him wiggle under chairs or hop between them or spin on top of them.

About this time, I started adding things he usually avoids like his journal writing and tooth brushing... he didn't even pause, he went off smiling and came rushing back for the next Simon Says!  I even used it to ask him questions like, "Simon Says tell me what sounds yummier for breakfast?" I started making multi-step directions too and being extra tricky and it just kept going with lots of laughs and smiles.  We've now played Simon Says multiple times over the last week and had so much fun!  I hope you find this tool useful!  Here's to rediscovering past parenting tools :)

I was surprised recently by an interest in holding hands too!  I love the growing independence, but it's fun to share the more youthful games / activities too!

Naked's Not News: Take Two

Things have started to change and I'm enjoying observing the process of my son finding privacy desirable.  This is what I wrote about a year and a half ago:

"This is more of a musing post because I'm not sure where our parenting practices will end up.  So, as a new parent, it's no big deal for my infant to see me naked.  Changing a dirty shirt, getting into pajamas, I didn't hide from his baby gaze.  Fast forward to toddlerhood and it was helpful for him to see us using the bathroom as part of toilet training.  Again, no big deal for us to help him change dirty clothing or to change our own.  Now, I have a six year old and I would have thought that, by now, nudity would be different.  To my surprise, it's still the same.  Literally, naked's not news.  He can dress and bathe himself, but if we're both ready to rinse off hot tub chemicals at the same time, we'll get into my shower together for two minutes (it's the only one with a hand-held sprayer).  If I'm changing into pajamas and he comes in with a question, I don't duck behind a door or sternly invoke the privacy card.  Basically, he has complete comfort with the body as something not to be hidden and as something normal.  These interactions have remained consistently positive.

Now, I'm curious when this is going to change?  I can imagine it will get to a point where our current openness is no longer appropriate i.e. a teenager might have a confusing response..."

So, now I have an eight year old and things are changing.  Now, if he changes he'll streak!  He'll run naked between bathroom and bedroom instead of the non-issue stroll.  He always closes bathroom doors and he doesn't want to change into a bathing suit in front of me.  The interesting thing is that it's all on his side.  I mean, he doesn't care if I'm changing and being naked is still "not news" to him regarding me, but he finds privacy more important for him.  He still has no shame in his body, it's just that the privacy issue has become more important to him.  It's really curious how one sided this is and I've asked him if it bothers him when he finds me changing.  He says it doesn't, but I did ask him to let me know if at some point it does.  I'm sure our privacy norms will adjust at some point.

As I wrote last time, "Clearly, there is a connection between nudity and sexuality at some point.  I don't want him to be confused when he starts making that connection.  For now, I'll observe and enjoy how purely joyous he feels within his own body."  I'm thinking that I'll keep the same approach that has been working.  This is a really an intriguing process to watch him developing new understanding of what is private and what he doesn't want to share.  I love that this is happening without him feeling embarrassed or ashamed of his body.

He'll get over peek a boo some day :)

History Play

I am an avid fan of Scott Powell's History at Our House program.  He makes history so interesting and vibrant and real and approachable for students!  I love all the examples that history has for teaching about choices and how much I can use those examples in our daily conversations.  Just yesterday, when I was talking about my best friend, my son asked me why were friends and I started my answer by bringing up a lesson from history that Mr. Powell teaches.  Friends share values, not disvalues.  "The enemy of my enemy is my temporary ally."  Considering that my best friend and I have nurtured a friendship over last 15 years, there's nothing temporary about it; it is based on shared values.  Anyway, my point in this post is to share two games that I've been using to keep this awesome historical knowledge fresh for my son: History Go Fish and History Taboo.  

History Go Fish is pretty self explanatory to set up.  I go online and find pictures of the historical figures that have been covered in class.  I paste two copies into a document that I label with the figure's name and print on photo paper.  Voila!  Go Fish cards with historical figures.  That is just the start though!  After he gets the matches down, we don't use the name anymore!  For example, "Do you have Mr. Peace-Without-Victory?"  "Would you happen to have the man who surrendered at Appomatox courthouse?"  "Do you have the unifier of upper and lower Egypt?"  By the time we play the game a couple times, he's had a full review of American history and everything he's learned so far of ancient history and… he loves it.  He loves putting on that sickly sweet voice when he picks a card that I've already asked about and it's so funny to hear him asking in his darling tones, "Oh dear sweet mother, do you have Mr. International Police Power Teddy?"  I can even use it to add information that he hasn't learned yet so the game gets more and more fun.  So, that's game number one, but I have another one too :)

Page one of many before I've cut it up into cards

I fell in love with Taboo at a friend's house and thought this could be another great tool for cementing historical knowledge and having fun.  The idea of the game is that you have a word which you're trying to get the other person to guess, but you can't use four other listed words which are taboo.  The game is played with four people and timers and is much more competitive, but I just used the idea to put together a list and start playing with my son.  I was the one trying to get him to guess and boy did I get to do an extensive review as I tried to get him to say the historical term without using the forbidden, taboo words!  He absolutely loved the challenge and was again getting a really rich review of the material. 

For example, if I had this card:

William the Conquerer

Norman

Duke

King

England

I could talk all about vassals and vikings and France and the country across the channel.  But, I couldn't say the name and I couldn't use the words Norman, duke, or England.  One of the great things to do after he guesses is to share the words that I couldn't say, because that adds to cementing the knowledge too.  For example,

Louisiana Purchase

Napoleon

Thomas Jefferson

1803

money

After, I've worked my way around talking about a leader of France who traded land for something that goes in a bank with the third president of the United States.  I eventually get a guess and lots of kid giggles and he gets a solid review of this historical event.

I've put together pages of these in columns (which I'm glad to share, just send me an email or leave a note) and I pull them out every couple months for a rousing game.  I have to add the new material when he's sleeping though, because he's so eager he keeps trying to sneak up and see the Taboo clues while I'm writing them!

One page of many that provides lots of historical play (click image for more clarity)

So, I'm thoroughly enjoying how my son is able to learn from the events of the past and to use them in making his own choices.  If you have found other ways of making learning into games, I'd love to hear about them.  This has been such a delightful way to continue enjoying history for me and my kiddo.

Review of "Playful Parenting"

I just finished reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen for my book club and wanted to document some thoughts.  I took a long time to read this book and I think a big part of that was that the author seems to repeat himself so much.  There are some gems though that can be sifted out of the many examples and repetitive directions.  

The first thing I found while reading was that I had this overwhelming desire to go play with my kid.  The way Cohen presents play as so healing and nurturing and connection building, he makes it seem like some decadent chocolate treat that you just have to go enjoy right now!  Early on in the reading, I put the book down and crawled on my hands and knees into our library where my son was reading. I nuzzled his elbow and gave a little kiss. Silence.  I nuzzled the hip and gave another kiss. Little giggle. By the end, my husband wanted to know what was going on because we were laughing so hard and just enjoying ourselves so thoroughly.  One of Cohen's rules is "Follow the giggles" and I was certainly enjoying it in this context :)  So, the first gem was just looking at play again as a way to connect (reminds me of one of my favorite posts here about humor.

Second, I was a little dubious of his suggestion that older kids would find it funny if parents pretended goofy things.   l was dealing with a common situation in my home, my kiddo was being too rough again and again and I was getting hurt and angry.  I said, "Let's pretend you're my little boy and I'm your exasperated mommy and if you touch me one more time I'M GOING TO…"  He giggled.  Then he touched me so gently with one finger tip.  I play shrieked with agony and fury.  He giggled and finger tip touched me again and so the circle went with solid fun and no more hurts.  I'm intrigued.  I've been amazed by his glee at this kind of pretend and how giggly he gets if I pretend along with him.  

The third idea that I found worth noting was that it may be worth joining in a child's pretend play, even if you find it deadly dull, as a way to help them feel heard and learn to think about other options.  The example Cohen gave was of his daughter playing with barbies in a way that the woman was always powerless and needed to be saved by a prince.  It drove him batty and he hated it, but if he tried to play and alter the script, she would get furious that he was playing "wrong" and adhere to the melodrama even more tightly.  He found that if he played it her way and made her feel secure in exploring that idea, she was willing to consider other ways dear Barbie could act.  The idea of joining in an older child's game that I find boring seemed like a negative choice, a sacrifice that would promote feelings of irritation.  However, I remember how much I did this when my son was younger and how clearly I understood that I needed to respect his context of delight at peek a boo or a shape sorting game.  I wonder if I joined in his video game of exploding worms or his legos that do some fantastical things again and again and again…  I wonder what would happen if I did more than listen supportively and got down on the floor with him in this situations that don't captivate me.  Cohen acknowledges that playing with kids this way, on their terms, is exhausting and he recommends setting aside a delineated amount of time so you don't wear yourself out.  His experience in play therapy is that it helps children connect and feel safe and heard and valued.

I have some more thinking to do about next actions, but I'm glad I read the book.  If anyone else read the book, I'm curious "What do you think?"