Teary Ponders

Andrew has been working late and so I had a chance to finish a YouTube series on poetry. I had multiple teary episodes as I experienced the beautiful poetry. As just a hint, imagine a friend dear to you and watch three minutes, time stamp 19:35 - 22:15 : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUtv7K1Pzyw&feature=youtu.be&utm_source=bluehornet&amp=&utm_medium=impactweekly&amp=&utm_campaign=12062018

After pondering the beautiful poetry, I was feeling primed to complete something I'd saved to do. It was a New Year's exercise from a lady thriving for years with inoperable, stage four cancer ( https://kriscarr.com/ ). Since, I was already in a pondering mood and teary, I decided to answer the seven questions she suggested.

Year 2018

1. What’s something amazing you discovered about yourself?
I can grieve gently. I grieved for the friends and life I left in the Santa Cruz mountains, but I didn’t get depressed. I just let myself feel those feeling with compassion and without dwelling. I didn’t know I could do that.

2. What’s the most important thing you learned this year?
That I had a pattern of holding myself to unrealistic standards and judging myself not good enough. I wasn’t a good enough Jew, nurse, mom. I hadn’t realized that while having generally good self-talk, I’d been repeatedly cruel and unfair to myself in these big categories.  It’s been so liberating to realize and focus on both being just and practicing self-kindness.

3. What accomplishment or experience are you the most proud of?
That’s really hard to answer because there were many successes this year. I am proud of nurturing Cameron to thrive as a freshman starting dual high school / college at the age of 14. I’ve used my skills coordinating a team of therapists and teachers to help him gain the confidence to grow even more. He’s still a teen with lots of grumbly and prickly ways, but he is growing and he feels loved and cherished every day and that’s a serious accomplishment.

4. What’s one perspective shift you could make that would lead to more love in your life and in the lives of others?
In general, I’ve found that gentleness is a wonderful thing. Treating myself and others with gentleness is not a lack of drive, interest, or energy; it is a powerful, soft strength.

5. What are you ready to release in 2018?
As many teen-battles as I can figure out how to! This week, it was the folding-laundry battle from which I resigned waving the white flag.

6. What are you ready to experience in 2019?
Consistent self-kindness

7. How will you challenge yourself (push yourself out of your comfort zone) to achieve what you desire in the new year?
I would like to gain more confidence in my barbershop singing skills. I have a glorious time singing for hours around the house, but there’s so much detail and control and thoughtfulness in singing well with a chorus. I’ve been at it for three years and still feel like quite the novice. I’d like to make enough of the details automatic through practice that I can participate at a higher level with relaxation… and feel confident that that higher level will stick.

So, here's to teary ponders. It has been quite the evening for reflection. May your new year be filled with "love, laughter, and hugs".