When the Choices Aren’t Yours

I have three people right now who are struggling and who are close to me, at the level of irreplaceable-family closeness.

One is dealing with significant physical health issues. One is dealing with significant mental health issues. One is dealing with a combination of the two.

They’re all wonderful people. They are all adults. They all get to make their own choices. And, I feel the consequences of those choices, which are not mine.

While, of course, supporting the people I cherish, this how I respond to the feelings in this situation:

1. Self-care

Feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, not-good-enough-to-fix-it or, for that matter, any feeling or immediate thoughts are involuntary. Responding to them with self compassion and increased self-care helps me to prevent them festering. I acknowledge and feel the feelings and let them pass. And, I do the same thing when any of them are triggered again in the future. 

2. Thinking

I get very clear on what actions I can take. By being fully clear on the real boundaries and fully clear on how I can actually help (which worrying does not do), I am better prepared for future situations, and I find the meandering path of any particular emotional experience tends towards more peace and ease. (If I was not seeing that change, especially over time, I think that's where other tools or professional help would be indicated.)

3. Repeat

Because it is part of loving and cherishing life-experiences with others so much that we will be in this place again…many, many times. And it is a wonderful thing that we get to be with those we care about in both the tough times and the easy times.

This is my "first aid" for dealing with the resultant feelings in this situation. Andrew and I both loved a recent book we read which focuses on first aid for emotional hurts and it made me ponder what first aid I do for myself in this situation.

I love to do thinking of this kind in nature...

...this is the neighborhood pond near our apartment.