Self-talk: Cultivating a Kindness Habit

I've been thinking about self-talk recently and how much my self-talk has changed. This is a sharing of my gathered thoughts more than a refined presentation, but I hope it has some gems that others will find useful.

Big Picture:

- Humans talk to themselves a lot and thus all the research on habits and neuroplasticity applies.  How we talk to ourselves most often (habitually) will continue by default and we can change that with the tools of habit change.

- Improving self-talk is not about ignoring reality; it is about a kindness approach to oneself. (Does the self-talk language pass the test of how you would speak to a loved one?)

- As with all things human, the body matters. Poor sleep and poor nutrition will make it harder to think clearly and feel good... neurotransmitters work a certain way. It will be harder to speak to oneself with kindness if feeling terrible.

- As with all things human, philosophy matters. Self talk and emotions respond to what a person has consciously or subconsciously accepted about the world and what they should do in it. People will feel and tell themselves that they are bad if they are not living up to their accepted principles.

Personal history:

The last one was my biggest problem in the past.  I deeply believed to be good was to follow all the religious laws of Judaism. So, every time I missed one, I felt awful. The self talk of "not good enough" was constant.  While that unfair standard resolved, I definitely didn't have a habit of kind self talk.  

In practice:

So, cultivating a habit of kindness with self-talk starts with making sure there's nothing big picture in the way and, after that, I think is mostly developed by self care and gratitude practices. But, it can be hard to notice opportunities so I've gathered some examples. As with any habit, kind self-talk becomes easier and more automatic with practice.

Opportunities for negative or positive self talk with some potential responses:

- Having an emotion / random thought that is unpleasant. 

"I'm such a grouch!" 

"Ya, I'm feeling cranky / anxious. What can I do to care for myself as I figure out what's next?"

"That was a mean thing to think." 

"Wacky thought. Good thing I get to choose my actions!"

Since the emotion/thought is involuntary, it's really unfair to self-criticize but habits take awhile to change.

- Having a physical trait / temperament trait that isn't desired (looking in the mirror or experiencing something as hard that is easy for others) 

"My skin is so ugly!"

"Good morning beautiful me... looking a bit dry. Let's enjoy a rose hydrosol!"

"I'm just a wimp."

"Being assertive is a skill I work on intentionally. I get to choose."

We all get our own Aristotelian slate that we're born with and anyone who has been around kids knows it's not fully blank. It's just reality and we get so many lovely choices after that point.

- Making a mistake where it's clearly an accident

"Clumsy! Stubbed your toe again!"

"Ouch! Sorry self, didn't mean to do that!"

I noticed myself doing this apologizing-to-self thing recently and had a bit of a giggle. Of course my toe isn't a separate being, but it felt like self care... and I did put on extra fuzzy socks.

-Making a mistake where we feel like we should have known better

"Idiot! You Should have known better!"

"Yep, I goofed that. That feels rotten. I need to deal with the feelings and the consequences. What am I going to do next for self-care and for learning to avoid the same mistake."

This one is so powerful. It seems like most mistakes we can blame on ourselves if we try. The positive side of that is that most mistakes are ones we can respond to with both compassion and a growth mindset.

And, one side note, I think there is a need to allow ourselves silence sometimes to hear better.  When I get really into an audio book series or start subscribing to too many podcasts, I notice that I don't have the down time to process with self-talk... and then only the loudest yells get through.  Only this month, research was published that pink noise interferes with REM sleep which is essential for emotional regulation... I wonder  about giving our awake minds enough quiet time too.  My favorite spots for quiet are nature and baths!

So, like I said, this is more gathering of thoughts. I hope they help with developing the habit of kind self talk.  Having experienced both sides... I definitely prefer the self kindness.

Gratitude Practice

 A friend asked me recently for hints on how to establish a gratitude practice and I was startled to find that she was thinking of only writing.  So, here are some quick thoughts on creating a gratitude habit.

• Connecting any sensation to gratitude counts (touch, taste, vision and smell are my favorites)

• Fostering appreciation counts (one cannot express authentic appreciation without feeling gratitude)

• Experiencing the feeling of gratitude grows easier with practice, like a muscle that gets stronger

• Verbalizing and writing are great too and let you concretize with language what you're grateful for

• Customize a gratitude practice for yourself, everyone is individual on what feels both easy and good

Here are some quick examples, all of which are things I do regularly:

- Touch a tree trunk and feel gratitude for the beauty of nature

- Greet the sun with a smile each morning and let it warm the closed eyelids (it makes a lovely, red glow if they get warm)

- Purr at the feel of flannel sheets

- Close my eyes to relish the taste of cacao

- Snuggle pets

- Write "three good things" emails to my best friend each day

- Make a note in a "fun journal" about a top fun thing for the day (I got one of those 5 year journals and I'm trying this for the first time.)

- Write or verbalize notes of appreciation for other's actions 

- Relish a qi gong movement or a breath practice that feels so good

- Send a daily meme to my college kid and feel that moment of love

- Cherish the wonders of a hobby that I love (for me it's barbershop singing, but it could be gardening or a sport...)

- Notice beautiful things in one's soundings with joy (recently my winter amaryllis have been blooming, but I also notice regular things like cherished art on my walls)

- Recite favorite poems that thrill (I have less than a half dozen that are memorized, but I love every one of them)

- Visit with favorite literary characters (Isn't it wonderful that there are characters like Anne of Green Gables and Atticus Finch in this world?)

- Inhale favorite scents (rose/chamomille hydrosols, lavender/spruce essential oil added to baths, and the smells of foods/drinks like cinnamon toast and rooibos tea are some current favorites of mine)

- Enjoy clinical tapping... definitely a full body smile for me

And, for establishing new habits, I haven't found any guidance more useful than that of James Clear in his book "Atomic Habits".

(Lots of gratitude visiting Mt. Falcon this weekend)

Chosen Responses: Getting Bad News

I've just received this news from my doctor and it's on my mind. So, this morning, I've been pondering the things I do when faced with bad news that is not an emergency.

"Severe Osteoporosis" diagnosis (And, side note, yay for self advocacy to get a baseline DEXA scan, or I wouldn't know)

(Even bad news that is an emergency rapidly turns into news that needs a response other than 911 or run or fight.) 

So, what do I do.

The first thing I do is allow emotions and thoughts to flow.  Original thoughts tend to be more catastrophic and less helpful but the brain dump of all the scared "do this, this, this" and "but what if, this" is important.   Un-acknowledged thoughts yell louder and stall everything here.  The same is true for emotions. I let the feelings of fear, defensiveness, anger, worry flow through with acknowledgment. I feel them in my body and...

I do that first step with self compassion.  Whatever scary thoughts or feelings are present, experiencing this aspect of life with self kindness allows me to feel safe and nurtured through the process. 

In this case, some thoughts were:

- WHAT?!? WHY?!?! HOW?!?!

- But those drugs cause blood clots! I'd rather have a broken bone than a stroke. I'D RATHER HAVE NEITHER!

- Those drugs use needles! Lots of needles! I already deal with lots of needles for migraines!

- This is terrible!

And, with each scary thought:

- heart racing

- faster breathing

- chest ache

- skin flushing with heat

- eyes prickling with tears

 And, throughout this process:

- Allowing it all and responding with thoughts and actions of kindness

- Sometimes I actually talk to myself with that tone of compassion and safety, "I hear you" or "I feel that"

- Sometimes I'll do self care actions with the goal of nurturing, not suppressing the process

- Most often, I just breathe and feel that self compassion through the waves. I can talk to myself or do self care actions and I do. But, the most powerful piece for me is intentionally approaching the process with that self-compassion lens for myself. I feel that throughout my body and mind. I know I've got my own back. I am safe and loved.

Finally, I thoughtfully choose next actions from a place of more calm as I continue on with this wonderful life. 

And, I expect that this process is not a single phase; I approach every wave with the same kindness.