Self-talk: Cultivating a Kindness Habit

I've been thinking about self-talk recently and how much my self-talk has changed. This is a sharing of my gathered thoughts more than a refined presentation, but I hope it has some gems that others will find useful.

Big Picture:

- Humans talk to themselves a lot and thus all the research on habits and neuroplasticity applies.  How we talk to ourselves most often (habitually) will continue by default and we can change that with the tools of habit change.

- Improving self-talk is not about ignoring reality; it is about a kindness approach to oneself. (Does the self-talk language pass the test of how you would speak to a loved one?)

- As with all things human, the body matters. Poor sleep and poor nutrition will make it harder to think clearly and feel good... neurotransmitters work a certain way. It will be harder to speak to oneself with kindness if feeling terrible.

- As with all things human, philosophy matters. Self talk and emotions respond to what a person has consciously or subconsciously accepted about the world and what they should do in it. People will feel and tell themselves that they are bad if they are not living up to their accepted principles.

Personal history:

The last one was my biggest problem in the past.  I deeply believed to be good was to follow all the religious laws of Judaism. So, every time I missed one, I felt awful. The self talk of "not good enough" was constant.  While that unfair standard resolved, I definitely didn't have a habit of kind self talk.  

In practice:

So, cultivating a habit of kindness with self-talk starts with making sure there's nothing big picture in the way and, after that, I think is mostly developed by self care and gratitude practices. But, it can be hard to notice opportunities so I've gathered some examples. As with any habit, kind self-talk becomes easier and more automatic with practice.

Opportunities for negative or positive self talk with some potential responses:

- Having an emotion / random thought that is unpleasant. 

"I'm such a grouch!" 

"Ya, I'm feeling cranky / anxious. What can I do to care for myself as I figure out what's next?"

"That was a mean thing to think." 

"Wacky thought. Good thing I get to choose my actions!"

Since the emotion/thought is involuntary, it's really unfair to self-criticize but habits take awhile to change.

- Having a physical trait / temperament trait that isn't desired (looking in the mirror or experiencing something as hard that is easy for others) 

"My skin is so ugly!"

"Good morning beautiful me... looking a bit dry. Let's enjoy a rose hydrosol!"

"I'm just a wimp."

"Being assertive is a skill I work on intentionally. I get to choose."

We all get our own Aristotelian slate that we're born with and anyone who has been around kids knows it's not fully blank. It's just reality and we get so many lovely choices after that point.

- Making a mistake where it's clearly an accident

"Clumsy! Stubbed your toe again!"

"Ouch! Sorry self, didn't mean to do that!"

I noticed myself doing this apologizing-to-self thing recently and had a bit of a giggle. Of course my toe isn't a separate being, but it felt like self care... and I did put on extra fuzzy socks.

-Making a mistake where we feel like we should have known better

"Idiot! You Should have known better!"

"Yep, I goofed that. That feels rotten. I need to deal with the feelings and the consequences. What am I going to do next for self-care and for learning to avoid the same mistake."

This one is so powerful. It seems like most mistakes we can blame on ourselves if we try. The positive side of that is that most mistakes are ones we can respond to with both compassion and a growth mindset.

And, one side note, I think there is a need to allow ourselves silence sometimes to hear better.  When I get really into an audio book series or start subscribing to too many podcasts, I notice that I don't have the down time to process with self-talk... and then only the loudest yells get through.  Only this month, research was published that pink noise interferes with REM sleep which is essential for emotional regulation... I wonder  about giving our awake minds enough quiet time too.  My favorite spots for quiet are nature and baths!

So, like I said, this is more gathering of thoughts. I hope they help with developing the habit of kind self talk.  Having experienced both sides... I definitely prefer the self kindness.