Deeply Cherished Vacation: Part 1

Part 1: Phoenix, Chorus competition (September 13-17. 18th travel.)

Part 2: Paris (September 19- 22. 23rd travel.)

Part 3: Normandy (September 24-30. October 1st travel.)

Part 4: Videos, Andrew's pictures of me/gems

Singing with this chorus means so much to me. We went to Phoenix for the international competition. I just came across a quote which reflects the intensity of how nourishing achieving success in this art form feels to me. The connection and vibration that fills you with joyful energy is intoxicating in a very good way.

“You express, when you sing, your soul in song. And when you get together with a group of other singers, it becomes more than the sum of the parts. All of those people are pouring out their hearts and souls in perfect harmony, which is kind of an emblem for what we need in this world, when so much of the world is at odds with itself… to express, in symbolic terms, what it’s like when human beings are in harmony. That’s a lesson for our times and for all time. I profoundly believe that.” —John Rutter

Almost everyone flew. Here are my row mates.

A little fumble at the beginning... someone trying to help me with a little stumble pancaked my glasses... I've dealt with literally band-aid-ed glasses this whole vacation. This I can handle!

This was the schedule which actually had several additional rehearsals added and three times I led Qi Gong practice for us (plus my room-view):

Semi-finals competition... I felt so delightfully in-the-moment:

https://youtu.be/k7hwYmCVd4M

Finals package:

https://youtu.be/CkI_aZSsNGI

It was so fun and... I think I succeeded at the moments when I was supposed to be zombified!

I admit that we were hoping for international champions, but it only took a day to see second-in-the-world as the wonderful achievement that it is:

And then I flew back to Denver, met Andrew in the airport, and headed off to France for the first relaxation vacation in six months.

Throughout, I've been receiving the sweetest notes from my pet-sitter that Tracker is having a loving vacation too. "Tracker update! He's doing great, loves to keep me company while Iwork. Been walking every day and lots of play..."

UCCS Start

It happened. With three days to spare (and lots of help from us), he got housing. He has just finished his first week of classes and it sounds like he's well on his way to an academically successful first semester away from home.  Laundry? Shower? Not yet. Two weeks and counting. 

So, so far, things are as expected, just a little more extreme on each end. The courses are within his abilities and he's feeling super comfortable with the food/living arrangements. That part is even easier than expected. He has some growing to do in social interactions/expectations and perhaps one more reinforcement from home today will help him. If not, he's going to have some embarrassing interactions. That part is even harder than expected. But... he's growing. He'll get there. I love this kid!

Excerpt from update 8/13/22

We dropped Cameron off at college today!

Checking in

Entering his dorm room

Setting up

https://www.uccs.edu/experience/uccs-glance

Top, middle right with the double window is his single, room:

First try at his mailbox:

Triple scoop after moving in

A bit of seriousness (classic look!!!), then visiting the Pan statue and then skipping off to dinner

Italian dinner send off… he toasted our wine glasses with his whole milk :)

Love our boy

Rachel

P.S. I spent all yesterday evening handling the fifty unanswered emails he had in his college account (several of which could have gotten us turned-away today).  I think this is the right choice, but as I wrote last night after I was finally done, "Is this rescuing 101 or scaffolding 2.0… really wish I knew!"

 Cameron’s schedule:

ACCT 2010-003 (10888)	Intro to Financial Accounting (Lecture)	We 1:40PM - 4:20PM	DWIR 104	Y. Xu	3.00	Enrolled
ECON 1010-018 (41834)	Introduction to Microeconomics (Lecture)	TuTh 9:25AM - 10:40AM	Columbine Hall 128	J. Craig	3.00	Enrolled
INFS 1100-002 (10778)	Prod Apps for the Workplace (Lecture)	Tu 4:45PM - 7:20PM	DWIR 109	C. Evans	3.00	Enrolled
MKTG 3000-003 (10332)	Principles of Marketing (Lecture)	Mo 4:45PM - 7:20PM	DWIR 101	B. Arsuaga	3.00	Enrolled
TCID 2080-OL3 (12462)	Business & Admin Writing (Lecture)	TBA	Online Course	C. Kiser	3.00

Winding Path

We’re just returning from a supporting-family trip. On the way to the airport, Cameron mentioned that he’d changed his start date at Colorado University: Colorado Springs to fall 2022 (about eight weeks away).

Start date? “IDK”
Housing? “IDK”
Accounting classes available (since he completed everything GenEd while getting his Associates of Science degree)? “IDK”

The last few months, after his seasonal work at H&R Block ended, have been interesting. He said he wanted a job and he said he wanted to go back to get a four year degree starting in Spring 2023.

What we saw was an average of about a half hour a day of minimal effort and lots of video games and, interestingly, a serious decline in his agreeability as a roommate. He had loved coming home from H&R Block and sharing about his day. His chores were completed with a smile and his personal interactions were markedly more friendly. He was not able/willing to see (nor address) the change. After eight weeks of failed efforts, only an ultimatum of paying rent when we got back from vacation got him moving on the goals he says he wants.

Baffling. There’s no parenting-this-person how-to book. Trial and error sucks sometimes! 

So, we’ll land back in Denver soon. He’ll start work at Subway tomorrow. What will happen next… I have no idea. Finding the just-right supports for our brilliant, quirky, 2e, eighteen-year-old son is anything but a straightforward path. He’s already an amazing person and I’m looking forward to meeting the person he chooses to become when he needs less parenting support. Right now, the winding growth-path still messes with my equanimity while my husband and I continue to do our best to help❤️

Feeling Our Way Closer to the Respectful-Adults Relationship With Our Son

So… when you have an eighteen year old who has an Associate of Science degree and is working full time, but struggles with executive functioning skills outside of the academic setting and isn’t interested in help.

Hmmmm.

This is our latest parenting-challenge to ponder given this situation: 

Chores: Dishes get done if he’s downstairs before he needs to leave for work. Dog gets walked if he’s not working late. Laundry gets washed if he gets a weekend reminder.  

Career: College applications get done… not yet. Progress gets made… only when we push him to follow-through on what he says he wants.

Social Interactions: Positive when there are games and no reminders about pleasant interactions...

• No progress on improving things like: chewing with your mouth open, being gentle with other people’s books/electronics/posessions *except he is very careful with the car*, shoes off inside the house)
• Natural consequences for these things are considered an imposition

So… he’s now talking about working toward a Bachelor’s Degree in the Spring of 2023, which means we’re talking about a whole year from now.  He’s a legal adult. His development is asynchronous. He wants to live at home. We love him dearly and want to support him.

What’s reasonable as a next step?

At our family meeting tonight we talked about this really openly with the focus on a mutually positive path.  In the past it has been really hard to gain engagement on this topic because he's dismissed our perspective with the declaration, “It’s fine.”

Tonight, we got both engagement and a concrete plan. Figuring out the best line right now... how to back-off just the right amount… tricky stuff. Loving my boy so much ❤️

[Before posting I confirmed again that he doesn’t mind me sharing about him and using this blog this way. I both asked and received permission.]

Past the Crossroads

And we're past the crossroads; it feels like I wrote this yesterday. Recently these both arrived, so my eighteen year old now has a high school diploma and an Associate's of Science degree.

For the past two months he has been working at H&R Block preparing taxes and is already a level two tax preparer. That job is usually seasonal however, so in another two months he'll likely be choosing either starting a Bachelor's degree or another job.

My concerns from the crossroads are still present. The asynchrony sets him up for expectations of being more socially mature than he is and the consequences of a legal adult misreading a social situation are so much more severe. But, he has mastered the route of driving to and from work. He has applied some of the skills he learned working at Subway to this job without being prompted. He's on his own path, one independence skill at a time and I can only do the best I can to support that growth.  

I'm feeling once again that parenting via the morphing relationship over a child's lifetime is the hardest roll I've ever undertaken. At least for me, there has been nothing that comes close to the challenge, neither emotionally nor cognitively. I'm enjoying this moment with a little heartache too... and re-sharing my favorite of our family photos. There are days that this smile lights up my world and days that it feels like the anguish with never end.  Despite the roller coaster, I am so grateful for the journey and ready for wherever the next bend leads.

Word Of the Year. My Intent.

I’m not exactly sure how I got started choosing a word of the year. I know that I was highly skeptical at first, but I’ve found it pleasant and helpful in guiding me to self-orient each day to whatever I’ve chosen as that reminder. I’ll do a basic chronology of the words I’ve chosen so far and then I’ll mention what just happened that’s a first.

As you can see below, I kinda fumbled the first year by hyphenating, but my goal with “positive-health” was intentionally changing my focus. I’d been dealing with so many providers and tests to try to figure out migraines and thinking about it was taking more of my mental focus than was actually helpful. I wanted to make sure that I focused on addressing that issue only when appropriate and nurtured appreciation for all aspects of positive-health the rest of the time. Next, I noticed that when redirecting myself I often had a bit of a demanding or anxious tone; I wanted to foster “gentleness”. I got pretty good at that but still felt kinda up-and-down in that inner-space, so I went for “serenity”. After that, I was looking for a more energized baseline and “joy” was a perfect match. Then I noticed that I had a little ambivalence in self-talk because I had been unkind to myself by setting unfair standards in the past; so I worked on “kindness” from the point of view of consistency, kindness that I could trust. I was feeling super successful with that and chose “sparkle” next because that feeling of playfulness from a place of strength was what I felt would be the most nurturing. And, this year, I chose “comfort”. I would have preferred a triple hyphen, comfort-in-the-now, because that was the concept I was going for, but I couldn’t find a single word that I liked better. I’ve been working on really enjoying the moment when positive or just acknowledging if not so fun… comfort in not projecting catastrophes forward or worrying about duplicating past mistakes… cultivating that process of presence and then choosing next actions. 

2015

Positive-health

Make sure my focus is on the positive, that I'm pursing the good, fun, happy parts of health (not only focusing on my challenges).

2016

Gentleness

2017 

Serenity

Perfecting that ability to avoid internal ruffles when faced with challenging child, friend, current events.

2018

Joy

That inner smile from a place of strength, resilliance, and peace. 

2019

Kindness 

Consistent self-kindness, so I can trust myself to never be so self-cruel again

2020

Sparkle

2021

Comfort

I want to foster of feeling of comfort in the now… not that I don’t take actions and improve, but that I can be comfortable resting in the moment that is with a gentle smile, sparkle, and gratitude.

In addition to reminding myself briefly of this word each day as part of my morning routine (less than two minutes), I get a MyIntent charm. I love browsing this necklaces as it has so much meaning for me.

So… what’s the something new? 

For the first time ever, I’m changing my word before the end of the year. From the beginning of this year, I had a bit of unease with “comfort” missing the aspect of the challenge I felt… the connotation of “lazy"!  I’m doing a course on developing better back health and one of the quick exercises was taking the time to look at your self-image and note if there were any aspects that get in your way. Rapidly I noticed that I tell myself, “I’m not a strong person.”  Hmmm, it didn’t take long for me to notice that I was making that a self-fulling prophecy! Not only do I struggle with motivating myself in strength training, that limiting belief would also sometimes sneak into other areas. It’s easy for me to challenge if I notice and I was rapidly clear that that was a more productive place to focus the last season of this year. So… I’ll have an extra charm for 2021 that says “strength”. Each day, I will re-point myself to nurturing that self-image… I can already feel the excitement!

By Jove. He's fine.

This is what I see when I look at my child's desk/work area.

On the floor we have: wallet, iPad, papers from four classes, a chewed kazoo, pencils

On the desk we have: papers from four classes, chewed erasers, broken cables, dishes, trash, pencils

The papers and mayhem cover the "kitchen" table (and a counter out of the frame). This situation is dubbed "fine" by my son.

While I admit to finding that adjective challenging, I hear it a lot. The fact that he struggles to find things in these piles is "fine". The fact that he misses calendar events that are not routine is "fine". His aversion to soap and shampoo is "fine". 

I'll keep working to help him figure out the next skill within his reach. His development continues to be so asynchronous that there just isn't an easy answer.  But, I just wrote this status update to his educational/therapy team and my conclusion is that he is fine. We'll figure out the next steps together.

Hello team,

Cameron has now completed his sixth semester of dual enrollment at Colorado Preparatory Academy and The Community College of Aurora. He handled the challenge of overlapping compressed-time-frame courses well after that first struggle and has completed the semester with all A’s. 

In the middle of the semester I gradually turned over the monitoring of all class feedback to him. In the past, reading and responding to teacher feedback was a challenge; I needed to bring the grades/feedback in each course to his attention and help him picture his response each week. But he did beautifully with that skill this semester! He also responded to a rough Spanish test by independently reaching out to the teacher to learn from the experience (resulting in A’s in the subsequent tests). And, he proceeded to show more work and ace his Calculus final after receiving this feedback from the teacher…"First, when working with AST, the (-1)k is not included as part of the 2 conditions. Then the work you have here isn’t clear how this is less than 1. This does simplify to 1 𝑒𝑒 < 1"

He is on track to graduate in December with both his associate’s degree and high school diploma. Fall 2021 will be the first semester that he takes a full college course load, but the one additional course is unlikely to be a significant challenge. The current challenge is finding the best path to try after December.

Asynchronous development in social/emotional maturity continues to be a challenge. The online platform has offered a valuable buffer for his often immature original-responses to feedback, learning, and conflict. He can vent loudly at the inanimate computer and regain his composure before interacting, but that is not the case in a college dorm or a physical job. His interpersonal skills/maturity are still at roughly the 13-14 year old level. He will turn eighteen shortly before December so he will be facing this new phase as a legal adult and thus the consequences for missteps become much higher. He is also struggling to master the breadth of skills involved in driving independently which modifies the college/work options available. Exploring options will be a key activity over the summer and fall; I’m glad for any suggestions you care to offer.

Outside of school he’s been playing lots of bullet chess online and modifying an already complex board game to become even more labyrinthine! 

Thank you so much for all your help,

Rachel

P.S. A fun moment on Mother’s Day... 

We were just reading a bit of Shakespeare after dinner and Cameron kept complaining that his study of Spanish was messing with his English. Yet, one word he didn’t pause; he thought he had it. He came across the word “Jove” and blithely proceeded to read “Hoe-vay”!

I couldn’t help picturing Zeus looking down from Mount Olympus with little lightning-bolt-sparks of fury at every mispronunciation-giggle

And

Every time we read about Bertie and Jeeves, I’m now going to be picturing Bertie saying, “By hoe-vay!” Instead of “By jove!” And Jeeves is going to have that pained expression.

We do have a lot of smiles including surprise pictures and… this year’s Mother’s Day sonnet (one of his traditions): 

Sea Ranch: A New Favorite!

I think we have a new favorite house at Sea Ranch... the most amazing views from every window and the coastal path goes behind it so the privacy is amazing. We had an amazing time!

Here's the house, it's called Sunset Point.

View looking North from the bluff

View looking North from the tide pools below

View looking South from a different peninsula

View from the driveway before you're out on the point with 270 degrees of ocean

Inside there are lots of glorious places for sitting with a view (and the internet was the best we've ever had at Sea Ranch... full video-connection stable!)

When creating a feast in the kitchen bellow, my husband occasionally got spied on by my mom from her office above... but maybe it was the smell of duck!

That does seem to invite one to share food photos of Andrew's masterpieces next... duck, rabbit, Beef Bourguignon... fancy sides like artichokes and rosemary potatoes... glorious!

The spring flowers were especially glorious this year leading to the first of two favorite photos of the trip... so pretty!

And more flower lovelies:

And then there are the views from the trail and beaches full of birds and sparkling ocean and cozy logs to rest on when you want to just ponder the loveliness. The last one of this group gives me a special smile... my mom made a footprint heart in the sand :) 

And, there's my love of the tide pools... especially finding sea urchin shells! Squee, so much fun!

Finally, there are the views from the point itself which were an unending delight and... my second favorite photo is the final one here. Sharing the beauty of this place that nourishes me every time.